And no, I don’t mean the Jon Bellion kind.
I was going to start with the regular ’OMG! She lives’ sarcasm but I’m more than sure that y’all are already tired of my bullshit.
Trust me, I know how you feel. Even I am tired of my bullshit.
You know what I’m also tired of? Everything. From humanity to life. Just downright existence. To top it all of, I get to watch people handle it. People actually have their shit together – or at least look like it. Everyone’s creating their own art, acquiring a skill, making money. I’m the one here having 24 meltdowns in a day. Yes, one for every hour. Even in my sleep.
Literally. I talked to my mom about shaving my head because I really am uninterested in everything – including my beautiful gold locks. I really wish I was kidding. Plus, no hair equals a new start. I think? I’m shit at Math. Another reason for one of my many existential crises. I have to tell my African father that I want to switch departments.
If y’all ever hear I’m dead, I probably went through with my plans of telling him.
I’ve also had writer’s block for about… a month now? Just in case you were wondering why Brownie chose to torture you through the whole lockdown, you have your reason. I have been everything but productive. Which is ironic because, well, no one’s actually doing anything, right? Well, see, that’s the problem. I’m in a house with my siblings, parents and uncles & aunts. I’m anything but alone. I have anything but my space. I have anything but time.
Being the sweet, helpful person that I am is actually what’s killing me. My life’s a shitty irony.
I promise this article is a spur of the moment kinda thing and it probably won’t happen again for a while.
’What brought you here today then, Brownie?’ You might ask.
Well, baby, you see, I was losing it. Yup. I deleted my Twitter. I would have deleted WhatsApp too if it wasn’t my only means to attend to business.
I was losing it – I AM losing it – and thought: ’What better way to meltdown than to actually let it out?’ So I did. Here I am telling you about how shit my life is even though you have your own life. I really am the worst, arent I?
Writing hasn’t been my only outlet. Actually, it’s been the only voluntary one. I’ve been lashing out, yelling at people that I love or who’s trying to help me. I just can’t handle people. I used to be so loveable. What’s wrong with me? In a nutshell, I’m going insane.
Well, on the plus side, I have music. It has really been me salvation. Someone help me tell Brymo that he’s blessed for giving me an escape in the form of his album, YELLOW. That’s my cup of coffee on the table while everything around me is burning down. Totally fine.
There’s also the part of me that acknowledges the fact that I’m just a drama queen. Yeah, that part that invalidates my feelings. She’s pretty convincing.
So, yes. I’m fine, babies. How are you? I know I talked about me for most of this article – all of it actually.
How’s quarantine? Had any run-ins with Mrs ’Rona? Hate to be so conceited by bringing myself up again but you’ll never believe what happened. My mom’s cousin in London died of the virus.
I hope nothing of the likes happened with you? I’m going to stop here because I’m already crying and can’t see through the tears. I still want your comments though. I’ll see them after my tears dry up.