10, y’all! Whoop whoop for consistency! That said let’s talk about one of my features that’s been off the roof lately, shall we?
That’s me needing to come out of my shell every single time because, well, living is important.
I don’t know about you, but, I have heard about someone dying every single day of the past week, the latest, being Naya Rivera yesterday. Rest their souls.
It’s like every single time I decide to slack off and take life for granted, it reminds me that I might lose it tomorrow.
As someone with anxiety, that’s shit. I’m anxious about living on a regular. Now, I’m anxious about living enough before dying.
I guess my point is that, as I said earlier, living is important. Because of this fact that life keeps shoving in my face, I’ve had to…swallow my anxiety.
Literally. I feel my stomach turning every time I’m doing something ’anxiety worthy’. One of those things happens to be something I’m glad I’ve found the courage to do lately. While I’m at it, I can barely breathe, but when I’m done, I couldn’t be happier.
It’s something that not a lot of us have courage to do, but…
Call Them Out!
Sweetie, I mean your parents and/or guardians in your own home not Lana Del Rey on Twitter because the math says that the people in your house are more likely to hear – and care – about what you say.
It actually does kinda make sense, though(?) I think. It lets these celebs know that the fact that they make magical art doesn’t mean their logic is flawless. You can be an idiot and make Da Vinci type art.
Anyhoo, the people around you. This should be about them.
Now, as an African child, it might as well be a crime against the gods, or our ancestors, or whatever, to do what I’ve been doing. However, the thing about the gods and our ancestors is that they aren’t here. I am.
Can you offend a being that doesn’t exist at the same time and space as you? I mean, I guess most theists would say yes.
Christians, for example, have lots of ways to offend their God. Sins? They have the 10 commandments which Jesus later turned into 2 commandments(?)
But then, that means God is basically summing up God’s rules saying the last set was too much story. But then, since the second set is just a summary, the two sets are the same yeah?
But then, God is omniscient. How didn’t he know he’ll need to summarize later? Maybe it was because the recipients of either set had different comprehension levels and the review was all part of the plan?
In that case, sir God, sir? I think our generation needs a new review some time soon?
But then, he already knew that because, well, omniscience.
Back to parents.
Spending 5 months in lockdown with my mom has made me realise that, while she is an absolute sweetheart, she’s more than just a strict mother.
As a matter of fact, it’s not really about being strict on me. It’s more of on her. It’s like self-discipline. Keep up with me here. I’m making a point – I hope.
You know how you have a bunch of goals and aspirations? And you’ve been told that you need a shit ton of discipline to get there? So you make sacrifices because you know it’s what you have to do to get where you want.
Well, imagine that, but rather than on yourself, it’s on another human being.
You couldn’t be everything you wanted, but you still have the ideas in your head. You have this concept of what success is. It’s so close, yet so far away because you’re stuck where you are. What’s that, though? A car to get there, and you have enough to fuel the car. Only, it’s not a car as much as it is a piggyback ride. You, my dear, are the piggyback ride for your parents to get where they couldn’t. You’re the mirror for them to be who they couldn’t. You, love, are an extension of them.
All the self-discipline becomes child discipline. They start to put you through everything they would put themselves through without caring whether or not you’re willing to carry that cross. You’re being driven to Canada when you want to go to Italy. Usually, cars would go wherever they’re driven, but you’re not a car, are you? You’re your own person with feelings and preferences and wants and needs. Does that matter, though? As long as you’re the reflection they want you to be.
I know how blinded and bound to tradition they were, and I am sorry for them. Honestly. But I’m not giving in to peer pressure from a bunch of people that we have no idea what happened to as soon as their hearts stopped beating.
So, I’ve been letting my mom know every time she does or says something that affects me. She’s so convinced that I can only want what she wants, so she barely ever asks what I think. When I bring up something that she doesn’t like, she instantly starts to talk about how I’m choosing to do bad.
One day, I couldn’t hold it in anymore, so I asked if it was bad, or she just didn’t like it. After all, if it was really bad, others wouldn’t be doing it. Notable Christians wouldn’t be doing it. Heck, my cousin wouldn’t. (We live in a family house so the kids basically all grew up with the same rules.)
We were able to establish the fact that a lot of the things that she didn’t want me doing was basically stuff that she couldn’t see herself doing. If she wouldn’t do it, why should I? Even if it makes me the happiest person in the world, it’s still a crime against her, so, I shouldn’t.
I took a look at a lot of us, and I realised that it’s the same. A vicious cycle in society. It’s why we keep getting the same group of people every generation but with different names and bodies. Eventually, everyone becomes their parents even though they claim they ’turned out fine’. Or you haven’t noticed? We call it ’tradition’.
I’m writing this to record the fact that I have decided to stop being a piggyback ride. The directions I’ll be getting will simply be suggestions, and, in the end, I’ll do what my soul is most inclined to. This lockdown has really taught me to listen to myself. Not to some Supreme being or spiritual force, myself. I’m listening to myself.
As I said, it peaks my anxiety. I feel my heart in my mouth every time I tell her I will do something that she doesn’t like and all she can do is deal with it. Because of this, I can’t promise it’ll get easier. It’s made me cry some nights. It’s made me need to apologise sometimes because I ended up yelling while trying to make my point. However, I wake up the next morning and I feel less like a stranger in my own body.
My friends, apparently, can tell because one of them asked who I was and what I’d done with the real Brownie. My honest answer to ’How are you?’ has gone from ’alive’ to ’good’. I’m not just ’alive’ anymore. I’m living.
I’m ending with that question. I’d really love it if you answered in the comments section below, but what’s most important is that you answer to yourself.
Won’t you stop being a piggy back ride?